When the 'MS & Me' blogging team were picking topics to write about earlier this year, I was very much inclined towards this topic 'MS Doesn't Stop Me'. But it's been one of the hardest blogs to write. Why? Because if I say that 'MS doesn't stop me', I'm lying, or at the very least, exaggerating. To be more accurate, I can say, unequivocally, that I do my very, very best to not let it get in the way.
It’s almost 5 years to the day since the high drama, which led to my diagnosis with MS. So, it’s an opportune time to reflect. Of course, I’m a different person now. The fabulous 40 came and went and I’m very comfortable in that skin. But the wearing of the MS jacket, bespoke and tailor made just for me, doesn’t sit easy. And I won’t let it.
As a ‘typical Russell’, I may be considered opinionated, passionate and stubborn. Who wouldn’t want such fine attributes? One thing for sure. My obstinate DNA has come in useful in facing a chronic illness. But, damn it, it’s tough being tough all of the time. And exhausting too, which isn’t great for someone who is sometimes flattened by fatigue.
I had a notion a while ago where I decided that, in fact, I did not have MS, that it had been a rather unfortunate, false alarm. Just like that, by mind over matter, I cured the incurable. I had achieved what the medical and pharmaceutical people could not. I’d give up my harsh medication. No more poxy injections. Family and friends would celebrate my good fortune. I had a feeling of euphoria. I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t thought of this sooner.
Unfortunately, that feeling didn't last too long and my symptoms came back to tap me on the shoulder, kick me in the shins and poke me in the eye, saying ‘I haven’t gone away you know’ and I had to temporarily admit defeat. I felt deflated. Looking at social media posts from other people with MS who had ran marathons or participated in Iron Man challenges made me feel like a total fader.
I hate using my illness as what I see as an excuse, but I had to put my hands ups, call time, throw in the towel and take some time out. I took a full week out of a very busy schedule and did as close to nothing as is humanly possible (in so far as you can when you have two 8 year olds to look after). It took two days to wind down, to not feel guilty about taking time out and to stop thinking of my illness as an 'excuse', but as a fact of life for me. That week I didn’t need to be Employee of the Week, Mother of the Year or any other accolade. I needed to just 'be'. It was the best thing I've done in years.
Now I'm back, fighting fit, gloves on. I'll always wrestle with having MS. But I have to stop fighting with myself. It isn't helping the battle.
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