Dear Son,
I still can’t believe that I am a mother! You and your older sister mean so much to me. The type of much that I don’t have words to express. You are sixteen now. The years have slipped by. From living inside me to getting your first part-time job. All gone in a flash….
You were diagnosed with epilepsy the same week I got my Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis. I’m not sure how we muddled our way through all those neurology appointments, those assessments, those hospital stays, those dark days when all I wanted was for your seizures to stop- so you could be like all the other little boys.
They did stop when you were seven. I think by that stage, my heart had been crushed by worry for you and how your life would turn out. I mostly ignored my own illness. It was a lonely time. People don’t know what to say. Hallmark doesn’t make a card for what we were going through.
I want you to know that I am so proud of you and your sister. You have turned out to be a kind and funny chap, even though you slam doors and always want to talk when I am watching my show on TV. I hope that you will be happy and that you do get to live in a house full of dogs- like you have always wanted. I love spending time with you and hope you feel the same.
I feel like saying that I am sorry because I didn’t know about the MS until you were two. I knew something was wrong, but nobody seemed to be able to tell me what it was. I feel bad because I was so exhausted for you- snatching naps when you slept and not doing all those bear-hunts the other Mammies were bringing their little boys on. I hope that you have an understanding of my illness, now that you are older. I know I get tired and forget things. I hope that you can see that it’s not me, it’s the Multiple Sclerosis.
You and your sister will always be the best thing that happened to me (don’t tell your dad!). I feel happy when you are happy and sad when you are sad.
I love you, son.
Joan
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