My Diagnosis
June 2022, a date that will always have a memory, that I for some time stored somewhere in my subconscious. It was safe there. It did not connect with my heart, so emotions were detached, and as for the ether, well it was safe for me, for people not to feel or see my emotions.
The room went silent, I could see my consultant's mouth move, but the information was a strange language for me. But the thought I held in that moment was “Thank God, it is me and not my daughter“ so for today, I will embrace this thought, as I left the consultation room, armed with new information, and with honesty a new label, that perhaps society would stamp on my forehead and more importantly my heart.
It’s strange how our minds do have a mechanism of their own, to process information, for as I stood in the elevator, and it dropped to the lower floor, was representation of how my heart felt, and the lovely lady that stood beside me with a black and yellow cardigan, and the only thought I held in that moment, was you look like a bumble bee, and I have just been stung!
As I left the building, and the automatic door opened, how I wanted there to be an electrical fault, I wanted these doors to protect me from stepping out into the reality of what I now had to face. With a deep breath, and a false mask of wine lipped smile and mascara tear drops wiped clean from my face moments earlier, I slowly walked. Was it an MS symptom already taking hold of my body or was it the heartache of having to meet my two wonderful parents, who had been waiting in anticipation, in their own mindset, of what this news maybe.
My father, had for many years disguised his own heartache, and sadness, as he watched his sister carry the condition of MS on her own life’s journey. My mother now was going to face the nightmare that I was protected from in the consultation, I was her daughter. How would they cope?
Months went by, and fashion being my passion, I was determined that my 6-inch heels would not sit collecting dust, and my expression of being a happy and free spirit would remain with me. But sometimes, the darkness crept in, and dawn and dusk had no difference. My faith was the inner light that encouraged me.
Finding Support
I sat with my warm cup of tea, and the computer held the words MS Society Ireland. It was like another world existed, but it wasn't like a hidden planet in the sky, that I could only dream of.
I began to write, and as I pressed the send button, it felt like I had just sent a wish out to the universe. I am a very holistic person, and my faith intertwined, brings me to a beautiful place of acceptance and re-assurance.
I was standing in Bundoran, embracing the fresh air, and whilst I was listening to the sound of the wide ocean, my phone joined in on the chorus. A beautiful, kind, soft voice greeted me. ‘Sinead from MS Ireland! Hello Yvonne’
And my journey began! I was now welcomed into a society that didn't judge or label. I now felt once again that I belonged as a person, valued for simply being me, and not confused by a label or condition. I felt liberated and free! My wings took flight, as my mind and heart soared over the vast sea of Bundoran, and once again, I felt part of the ether.
A Message of Hope
I wrote this short piece in gratitude to MS Ireland, as a collective, and to my colleagues in the Monaghan branch. Thank you for helping me believe in myself again, for welcoming me, and on days that I need it. “The Wind beneath my Wings“
I also wrote this piece for you! Yes you, the beautiful person who is now reading this piece, because it found you!
And the message I want to share is “You are not alone“
If you have recently been diagnosed with MS, or you are a family member or loved one reading this - reach out, as there is a helping hand of support and kindness reaching back.
Yvonne
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