To Smoke or Not to Smoke?

What I thought!

• MS is stressful enough without giving up cigarettes and they really help me cope.
• I don’t have enough willpower to give up.
• I will never enjoy another meal out, or a night out with friends.
• I will never be able to fully relax without a smoke. 
• Coping with stress is impossible without cigarettes.
• Smoking provides me with social opportunities, and I won’t find alternatives.
• The weight will pile after giving up.
• I will never have a ‘prop’ or coping mechanism for stressful situations. 
• If I’m out enjoying a view, a meal, a social gathering; it just won’t be as enjoyable without a cigarette to top it off.
• I won’t enjoy the rest of my life; it will just be filled with longing for cigarettes.

Before I gave up cigarettes the last time I told myself all these things and it didnt seem worth losing out on life. I savoured the swish of the foil when opening a new Camel Lights cigarette-packet, the fragrant smell of the cigarettes, sliding out the first cigarette from its tightly packed home, the click and hiss of the lighter, squishing up my mouth and eyes as I had my first drag. Exhale. I liked carrying cigarettes in my bag, I enjoyed stepping outside with strangers to smoke and chat, and I enjoyed the time it bought me when under pressure. I smoked first thing in the morning, and last thing at night, if I had the opportunity. I even liked the smell the cigarettes left on the inside of my fingers that I used to hold them. Just writing all this down nearly makes me long for them again! I was mostly friends with people who smoked, boyfriends were smokers and I viewed non-smokers with a kind of slight mistrust!

What started to change my mind was the growing tyranny that cigarettes held over me. I felt more exhausted immediately after smoking, got breathless and got sick frequently with viral and bacterial infections, courtesy of my Rebif injections that knocked my white blood count down to a useless level. I smoked right through the infections. I was on a maximum dose of inhalers. Did I mention I had asthma too? My parents were sick with worry, and pleaded with me on many times to give up. I felt bad about it, but I felt as non-smokers, they didn’t understand. None of it mattered. Cigarettes were as essential to me as food. In fact, they probably came higher in my priorities than having good food.

I gave up many times and succeeded for even months at a stretch. My own wedding came and went without cigarettes, only for me to go back on them six months later. More and more people gave up as time went on and I felt increasingly embarrassed about my constantly ‘trying to give up’ stance. I realised that I could no longer just dip in and out of smoking, I was totally hooked. 

Being addicted really annoyed me but still, I kept going. Until the devastating news for my friend that her Mum was dying of cancer. She was a vibrant, funny, unique and strong woman, and a good Mum, and I was very fond of her. When I knew I was saying goodbye to her in the hospice I felt, what can you say to someone? ‘How are you doing?’, I asked lamely. ‘Not so good, Helen’ was her reply. That day as I walked away from the hospice with my friend I was completely gutted for her Mum, for her, for her Dad, for their family and their inevitable loss. It seemed so wrong. There was nothing I could do apart from be there for my friend. That did not feel enough.

We had actually met whilst smoking outside an academic department in University. Now we gave up suddenly. We didn’t talk about it too much, we just never smoked again. I wasn’t a mother at that stage, but I suddenly realised the potential impact of this drug on families - people’s lives - health. I carried an opened pack of cigarettes everywhere with me for that first year of giving up. I’d take it out, handle the cigarettes and tell myself I could have one if I wanted but I was choosing not to. It seemed to work for me.

I relapsed just once with the cigarettes. I was at another wedding and had a moment of weakness. After a few drags I saw stars and thought I was going to pass out. That was nine years ago. My husband gave up too. Every so often I dream I am smoking and then, when I wake up, my first thought is ‘Noooooooo!’ I still love the drifting smell of smoke but none of my fears about giving up were correct.

• MS is still very stressful but cigarettes seem to make you more anxious. I practice a bit of mindfulness and it does help, and so does talking to friends. 
• I did have the willpower to give up and stay off, too.
• I’ve had many fantastic meals out with my husband and friends, and have enjoyed them all the more for being able to taste better.
• Cigarettes are a source of stress, not relaxation, and coping with stress is fine without them.
• I've met many interesting people and made new friends despite not having a shared love of cigarettes.
• My weight is the same as when I smoked.
• If I’m honest I’m a terrible nail-biter but I was when I smoked too so very little changed. 
• Cigarettes do not add to lovely situations and if I’m enjoying a view, a meal or event, I no longer think of cigarettes as putting the final touch on it.

After the first six months I rarely thought longingly about cigarettes any more. When I do occasionally think of smoking now, I feel how breathless I used to be. Life is very good without them.

Oh! – best of all I went from having ‘Worsening Relapsing-Remitting MS’ and in urgent need of Mitoxantrone to just ‘Relapsing-Remitting MS’ and doing as well as you could expect given my time with MS on Copaxone. This was later borne out for me by a study done in ‘Brain: a Journal of Neurology’ in 2005 that found a definite link between smoking in people with MS and an increased risk of transforming a relapsing-remitting course into a progressive course. I don’t fool myself that this won’t happen anyway but perhaps I’ve delayed it by a few years by giving up. 

You will be so proud of yourself if you give up, and you can do it!

Good luck and be well. 

Helen